THE! Inaugural 2017-2018 WWW.Pens.Hockey Official Fantasy Hockey League regular season comes to an end this weekend, with Round 1 of the playoffs beginning on Monday, March 12th, 2018.
This is the first-ever NHL fantasy league attempted by many of its members. Suffice to say, there is a learning curve to this game that sleu-footed nearly every GM. The regular season has been on par with a ride on the original Steel Phantom. Some GM’s missed the draft, some didn’t prepare for the draft, star players were accidentally dropped, good players from hated NHL teams were ignored for weeks… and those are only the follies that I can remember off the top of my head right now. It’s been a fun ride so far, and I hope we can build on it next year. I suspect that new rules and strategies will be explored if we are to see a 2nd season out of this promising and exciting league.
Please stay tuned for a short commercial break and video introduction. There is a neat playlist waiting under this paragraph, so just click play, dim the lights, and sip your coffee. “You can put your hands behind your head, put your feet up, and just watch these guys do it.” We’ll be right back.
It’s a Hockey Night in Wexford!
Hello again everybody, and welcome back to fantasy hockey. Allow me to introduce myself: Around here, I go by MoonSloth, but you can call me Moonson or Moonie or Moonman or Moonpie (the banana kind). I will be your guest host here today, and I hope you enjoy what I’ve compiled for your reading/listening/viewing entertainment. An exaggerated caricature of Paul Steigerwald will be around in just a moment, and we’ll have a chat with our own Finn Bonzalez from Bonzcast podcast fame later on. We’d first like to thank commissioner Andy
Buttman Peppers for putting the league together, as none of this would be possible without his endeavors.
Now, let’s take a look at what’s coming up, shall we? With so many of the NHL’s teams sitting on the outside of the playoff picture at this time, will the new fantasy stars of 2017-2018 continue to shine, or will we see new trends in scoring due to injuries, line-changes, lack of effort, and/or dik-rips? Up ahead, I will make no attempts to properly answer any of these questions. I’m not an expert. What I’m really offering is an inside look at our collective attempts to be GM for a fake NHL team. I got better connections than Budmoonshine.
Here’s an update from the ghost of Paul to take us through each team and their owners.
On second thought, we’re gonna give Paul a couple Phil-pills and a few minutes to rest before looking further into the individual teams. Let’s take a look at the league rules and regulations. There are 12 WWWPHOFHL teams in total, divided into Eastern & Western Conferences. Each matchup lasts one week with two teams going head-to-head for most points.
The waiver wire was especially useful for most teams. As mentioned before, the draft didn’t go so hot for a lot of GM’s. I’m not going to count, but I guestimate that over half of currently-rostered players were Free Agents after the draft. Okay, fine… I went back and Grover’d the numbers. In total, for all teams combined, 111 players were pickups from free agency and 103 were drafted. *Owen Wilson Wow!* There were only two trades during the entire season. One of them only happened because a star player was accidentally dropped to free agency, spinning the unnamed GM into a frenzy of phone-calls and e-males until he finally got his man back.
Meanwhile, our entire staff is searching every nook and cranny for signs of Paul right now. We left him on a couch and someone was supposed to be watching him. We’ll let you know as soon as we hear any news. There’s a free Grim Reaver t-shirt here for anyone with information. During the interval, let’s check in with Finn Bonzalez of the Bonzcast. Scandalous rumors are in the air tonight, Finn. Can you fill erreybody in on what all the talk is about?
Wow. All I can say is wow. I couldn’t have said any of that better myself. Thank you, Mr. Bonzalez, for giving us ALL something to think about. You keep your ears to the ground and we’ll be right here when you find more juicy details. What a journalist, that guy. Wow. Zoop on, my friend. 👉😎👉
You must be wondering at this moment… “Who is Stavros Stamos?” “Why is someone talking about my mom’s 5-hole again?” “Who the HECK is Ron Mexico, and why should I care anyway?” I’m glad that you are asking yourself these pressing questions because I’ve finally received word that Paul is safe: He’s rather twisted on painkillers and bourbon, but apparently he’s been going door-to-door in the dressing room area, gathering interviews with every GM he can find. I want to personally thank everyone who participated. You’ve given our little guy new purpose in retirement.
Ladies and gentleman, I can’t account for what may be seen as you scroll dahn. Keep in mind that these exclusive one-on-one’s are being brought to you by the guy who joked about Hobey Baker’s tragic and untimely death on live television. Without further adieu…
Powwow w/ Paul
Heelllllo Wexford! Holy shit!! I feel like Jean-Claude Van Damme right now. Woo! Has anyone seen Mearsy? I’m gonna kick his ass the same way that I beat up that stupid security guard in Sudden Death. Woo!
Fun fact for all the kids at home: That was me inside the mascot suit. No one believes me! The script actually called for Van Damme to wear the suit while I kicked him around and through the meat slicer. I’m taller, so I should wear the suit. Jean was such a baby about the whole situation. What a diva! I won the fight, but then the hack director cut it all up. I didn’t like that idea and said no way. My lawyers are still working on the situation… You don’t make any sense!
Anyway, all this talk about the sandwiches I made with Jeanny boy’s head is makin’ me hungry! Woo! How hungry are you, Paul? I’m so hungry that I made a list of questions for each and every WWWPHOFHL team! Nothin’ satisfies a guy’s hunger like a good, old-fashioned interview. Speaking of interviews, why the hell does Potash get to keep his job while I’m stuck wiping down the exercise equipment? Dammit. I wanna wear the makeup… I wanna dress up at intermission. In fact, I sometimes do these things at home! I’m sorry, Iceburg. I know these guys are better. I promise I won’t make jokes anymore. Just, please, take me back 🙁
Here’s your stupid questions, Moonie. I gave the same list to every team.
1. What’s your favorite game-time food? I like ketchup sandwiches.
2. I love alcohol… Too much sometimes! What’s your preferred alcoholic drink?
3. Who is your favorite player on your team and why?
4. What could/would you have done differently this fantasy season? (if anything)
5. How did you decide on your team name?
6. Rate your team confidence-level now, and for when you drafted your team. 1-10 (2 answers)
7. How much do you miss me? Paul Steigerwald! 1-10
8. Wrap it up! Is there anything else you’d like to add?
- Salmon lox bagel and matzo ball soup, just like we used to get from Buddy’s Deli in Queens growing up. <crowd in the hallway starts booing interview>
- Any combination of the words “single malt”, “25 year”, and “Speyside”. I’m really having a hard time hearing you over the booing. Just ignore it. I find it best to let them get it out of their system.
- As the league commissioner and head coach, I love all players equally- which is why it’s so hard to suspend them. If I had to pick one though, it would be Reilly Smith from the first-place Vegas Golden Knights. After my failures in South Florida, Carolina, and Arizona*, my office has worked EXTREMELY hard to make sure the Knights are a successful expansion team.
- I wish I was more patient with Johnny Marchessault and Josh Bailey. I drafted them and dropped them way too early. Now they are both in the top 30 in scoring. <turns to crowd outside the door> I get it folks, will you idiots stop booing? I’m trying to do an interview!
- My wife, Shelli really loves that John Stamos. She always picks Full House re-runs when she watches her programs on our vibrating recliner. The character, Stavros- Uncle Jessy’s cousin from Greece- really gets the broad going. She calls me the “commish-in-her”, if you know what I mean. <winks> Opa!
- Because I award the trophy, I always get the Cup first. <turns to crowd> IF YOU PEASANTS DON’T STOP BOOING, I’M CANCELLING THE OLYMPICS AND NEXT SEASON!!! I AM YOUR GOD!!!
- Saul Tigerbald? Who? I can’t hear you over the booing. Why are they still booing?
- The OIC sucks. NBC sucks. The fans suck. I just hope the 2 largest markets get to the Cup Finals. Old time hockey is awesome. Cheapshots are part of the game, Milburry told me. Also, to keep safe from those greedy, braindead pricks with CTE (looking at you, Lindros), Roger Goodell recommended we implement a mandatory $5,000 fine for all** headshots. This will be enough to show the jury our “reasonable dilligence” in the event of a lawsuit….and I should know, I’m a lawyer.
** Subject to player appeal
“Hey, wait just a minute, Mr. Commissioner! Who you callin’ Tigerbald, you mangy wop–” <door slams shut>
- Definitely nachos because I love queso and beef fajitas. A little jalapeño never hurt anyone either.
- Vodka and soda with a Kool-Aid water enhancer
- Taylor Hall because he’s been a scoring machine and I can’t choose Voracek because he’s a Philthy douchebag.
- Probably spent more time studying the waiver wire.
- I wanted all P’s in my name because Penguin had to be a part of it.
- Probably a 7
- Don’t miss you, I miss Mike Lange and always will.
- Dik Ripperz doesn’t rip diks! He’s had his dik ripped many times over and over.
“Well, I don’t miss you either! Mike Lange wishes he was HALF the man that I was… am. I carried him all those years.”
- I enjoy snacking on fried sticks of breaded provolone cheese dipped into a zesty marinara sauce. In fact, go get me some after these questions.
- A beer of the finest IPA variety is what I enjoy most. Get me one of those, too.
- I got a team of misfits, Steigy, but they get it done. There are dudes in this locker room coming from Free Agency that have scored more than my number one pick: Patrick Kane. He’s NOT my favorite.
- I shouldn’t have dropped some of the players that I did. Hindsight is 20-20.
- Oh, I’m a big fan of sloths and outer space. I’ve experimented with a lot of different names over the course of this year. Timothy’s Hackers sucked, though. Go to heck, Timothy.
- I’d say I’m at about an 7-8 right now. My draft was a complete bust because I was so frazzled, 3
- I don’t wanna put a number on it to your face, especially before you get my cheese and beer, but I kinda miss ya, Paul. Your mindless enthusiasm was fun, but you did start going a little too crazy, no?
- To any GM who picked up a player that I dropped and ended up kicking ass: bully for you. To any GM who picked up a player that I dropped and ended up gunkin’ up your roster: suck it.
“Off to the kitchen, my good sir!”
- I doan have a favourite game-time food. The games begin in the middle of the night and that’s no time for food. Hot dogs is my answer obviously.
- I don’t drink because of religious reasons. I drink because of different reasons. Beer is the obvious answer but I have downed my fair share of Lagavulin while watching the team. Tequila, vodka and rum are ok in my book too. I love beer…did I already mention it?
- Drew Doughty. One of the most impressive nose whistlers I have ever met. He played ‘Wonderful Tonight’ at my third wedding. The most I’ve ever cried. Also, Drew makes me laugh because he looks kind of stupid. What a guy.
- I shouldn’t have taken so many game days off.
- Your mom spat it out. I put the name of my hometown there too.
- 10. 10.
- Refresh my memory? Who was this tosser again?
- I took a turd in your mailbox, GM SSG. There’s some extra corn for you.
“He’s talking to the microphone like I’m not even here. Is that salad I see in your room? Can I toss it?”
- I prefer small defenseless animals, deep fried…nice and crunchy like. Keep it in the bird family though…I’m delicate and doan prefer the chewier, ground-walker types.
- Like my ancestors, the Norsemen of old…I go for a hearty mead, delivered by a saucy wench. Usually my mom brings me one or two, if I ask nice.
- Personally I doan care much for players, bunch of whining pissbabies if you ask me. But, I have to go with Evgeni Malkin. Tough Rooski bastages, them, eh! Back in the WW’s …they used to eat the defeated army’s children, if memory serves. Gotta like that in a warrior type, dont’cha now.
- Well…I would have killed all my opponents in their sleep on the night before the draft to allow me to take erreyone I wanted. Looking forward to next year’s draft Eve I tell ya.
- I picked a name that I felt would instill fear in my opponents…and one that would also project my true inner self…DIK RIPPEERZ….worked on both levels.
- Oh…Now, I’d say mines about 9-10…I’m reeeeal popular if you now what I mean, eh? At the draft it was only about 7-8…had to slap it around a little during that event to get it goin a lil, ya know. Wait, what are we talking about again?
- Can I put in a negative number? You, man are shite. Yuh, I took a couple of shots at ya with my AK, but never grazed ya…so in that regard, yuh, I missed you. -9.675
- FRK YINZ OTHER TEAMS…I HATE YINZ ALL…WANNA GO, EH? Seriously though, Led by me O’course, WE are the greatest group of hawkey fans the world has ever known…and it has been my privilege to knock the living fuksweat out of each and errey one of yinz. 😀
“EVVVGEEENNNIII MAAALLLKKIINNN” can be heard in a sheepish yelp as Paul staggers down the hallway, fearing for his life.
- If the line isn’t too long, I prefer the bread. Otherwise… gruel it is again 🙁
- When I can sneak it in, I’ve been know to pound a Heineken Light or 12…
- MacKinnon. He has had a kick ass season and I didn’t have to burn a super early pick on him. He’s probably single-handedly saved my season after auto-drafting Murray with my first pick XD
- Drafted Finn’s team…
- I believe I was called a pinko moron indirectly and chose to embrace the truth! 😀
- Now: 7 Then: -69
- The “Pink Army” may be made up of a bunch of middling players, one legit forward, and a REAL solid D (let’s pretend goalies don’t exist), but doan for a minute think my under-nourished, overworked, and dictatorially oppressed team is gonna give up any time soon. I will continue to make questionable pickups, forget to start key players, and generally fuck up, BUT DAH PINKO MORONS NEVER SAY DIE! WE WANT DAH… is it a cup… …or????? 😀
“What a nice fella. He fainted right into my crotch. That was so awesome, did you get it on tape? Yeah, gimme a copy like you usually do.”
- Martin Jones. I like his smile 🙂
- Win moar :/
- It’s my go-to fantasy team name. I’ve had it for years. Started when I visited some friends in Lexington, Kentucky and clogged their toilet with what they deemed a “Pittsburgh Poop Snake!”
- NOW: 5 THEN: 9
- So much. Mears is so boring. You, Steigy are at least crazy.
- My team is great. Ung sucks.
“I’m crazy about that accent. Are you from Houston, by chance? No, I didn’t read that on your door. Say, have you seen my biceps?”
- I prefer something with a lot of calories. Gotta carbo-load before the game so I don’t use up too much energy blaming Letang for every mistake. I don’t care if he’s on the ice, is part of the play, or is even playing in that game, I know it’s all his fault.
- Whiskey and Ginger Ale. The amount of ginger ale depends on how the penguins are playing.
- My favorite player at draft time was Mark Scheifele because I feel like he’s got a case of Malkin-itis, talented but always forgotten about. However, I also got Kucherov with the #6 pick and he’s easily been my favorite. It seems foolish to let him fall to 6 and take someone like, i don’t know, Patrick Kane 4th overall (*cough* 58pts in 63 games *cough*).
- Well i forgot I was in this league for about a month or so. You know how it is, the penguins do it every year. So if i set my lineup during that time, i might be higher than 8th place… I mean, I was just giving you all a head start before I actually tried. Yup that’s what I did.
- ctrl-c, ctrl-v
- 7 at the start of the season maybe a 6.9 now.
- If 10 is the highest, 10. How can we possibly know that the penguins are the best team in the league and no other team is even worthy of playing us without you reminding us every minute or so? With Steve Mears, I get confused sometimes and accidentally compliment the other teams plays and players instead of just reminding myself and everyone around me that Crosby or Malkin could have done it better (did you know that Malkin is only 3 goals behind Ovechkin and his goals should count more because Ovechkin can only take one shot from one spot so his goals should count for less? so basically Malkin is ahead.)
- Well, Steigy, here’s the deal: I’m the best there is – plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. You know, nobody can hang with my stuff. I’m just a–just a big, hairy, American winning machine. “If you ain’t first, you’re last!” You know? You know what I mean? That phrase is trademarked and not to be used without the expressed permission of team chill1495.
Thanks Steigy, it’s been a pleasure.
“You nailed exactly what I was striving for all this time! Thank you so much, chill1495. It’s so humbling to have fans like you. Can you sign this petition to get me back on the air? Oh, and Moonie, isn’t Patrick Kane on your team? Ouch.”
- Thanks for asking, Paul. Typically I’d insert a joke about Ungaba’s mom here, but instead I’d like to insert my inserted joke into Ung’s mom.
- What the fuck does this have to do with hockey, Paul?
- I enjoy Alex DeBrincat. Because I love cats, and wherever I go, Alex De Brins His Cat with him.
- Well, Paul. I think I wouldn’t have played. That’s right, I would sit out. Every game, no matter who my goalie is, or whom I trade to get what goalie, my goalie somehow sets my team back. I have a new opponent every week and his “off week” may not gel with my “off week” so theoretically you COULD have an entire season where every opponent you face is in their off week. It’s a rigged system, Paul, and it’s stupid.
- Next question.
- Which is better, one or ten? Either way my answers are: Now: 1 – When my robot picked my team: 1
- I unironically miss you every day, and miss you even more when you refer to yourself in third person.
- I’m neck and neck with Team Chill, and I’d like to tell them that when I’m done with them no one will know who they are even harder than right now.
“Paul misses you too, buddy. Do you mind signing this petition to get me back onto the broadcast team? I just got my first signature! Oh, and I can go tell chill1495 what you just said because I wanna see if he’ll sign this thing again. Be right back!”
- Nachos, with EXTRA cheese, NO SALSA, NO PENOs. Ugh, Penos.
- Bibs & Bourbon!!!
- Phil the Thrill because he can fire the pill and he knows it and he doesn’t give a single heck.
- Paid more attention. I tend to draft and forget… but I should follow along a bit more closely. Easy to lose track in the everyday stuff though.
- Uh, because I like to SMASH, duh. Honestly, I’m not very inventive with these things and ‘UNGABA SMASH!!!’ just sounded angry and fun!
- Now: 6 (I’m still not very good…) – At draft: 3
- 5, until I hear him again, then it will be a 1. 🙂 Your idiotic takes on things wore me down but now vanilla Mears makes me miss him.
- I’ma smash shit UP next season. Y’all don’t even KNOW. Pinko Commies and Southern Dorkenheimers stand no chance against a properly focused smasher like me.
As for you, Paul, just retire already. You’re boring AF during the intermissions. Go join your brother in obscurity.
“They call me chocolate, baby. Maybe if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best! I always say,
don’t be vanilla. Sign this paper if you think Mears sucks!”
- I don’t like to eat during games, players don’t eat during games and I am practically a player. If I’m feeling a little low on energy I may sneak some orange slices during the intermissions.
- I’m a simple bourbon and ginger-ale guy. I’m still trying to perfect the Bibs and Bourbon in honor of your ex partner Bob Errey. It is currently bourbon, Dr. Pepper and pop rocks, it’s close but still missing that zing.
- I am fortunate to have the best leader in all of sports, Jonathan Toews on my team.
- I wish I would’ve been able to anticipate how draining the 3 months of 4am-6pm surgery hours was going to be, in which case I wouldn’t have signed up for this league but I am glad I was able to give everyone a bye week.
- This is going to be an awkward phone conversation when you call home tonight.
- When I drafted the team I was super confident because I’ve played for a few years and have even won 2 or 3 times. My confidence now is sort of the same, I’ve learned two valuable lessons, though. Do not rely on automatic drafting and make sure you have the time to commit even if it is literally 5 minutes a week.
- To be honest I’m not a big fan of play-by-play guys at all. I prefer them to tell little tidbits and maybe some history here and there but I hate that television commentary is a literal play-by-play of what you’re watching. It’s like having subtitles on for a movie with the volume on full blast. In that regard, you were one of the worst because not only did I have to listen to you explain what I was watching, you got players wrong 50% of the time. I did appreciate your enthusiastic goal calls when the puck went off the back of the cage though.
- This was a fun experience, I think if we do it next year we should all chip in a little money to have some price packages for the top 3 teams. I know from a blog standpoint we would gladly throw in a Grim Reaver t-shirt to the winner, that thing is an antique now!
“Well, to be honest, I’m not a fan of how you succinctly, yet thoroughly recap games with all your funny jokes and cool gifs. I totally don’t read them waiting for my name to be mentioned. Is this about the Hobey Baker thing? Bob loved that joke. It was just a joke! We used to tell each other the greatest stories on the air during play. That’s why I mistook players numbers! Bob gets me all confused. It’s his fault that this happened. I gotta call mom.”
“I can feel spanish rap music bumping through the walls. Smells like schwaggy marijuana and tequila in the hallway, Moonie… The damn door’s locked. **knock, knock** We have no idea who this guy even is… He’s a real party-animal, though. I can say that for sure! **knocks louder** I realllly want something else to drink, but I can’t get in!”
That… was surprisingly interesting and insightful, Paul. Maybe we should stop it there. Thanks again to all the GM’s for participating. Now that we know a little more about each team, we can finally look at the standings. One weekend away from fantasy playoff hockey. All stats are current, but it may be possible to see some shakeups before the playoffs begin on Monday. You do the math. One team is in bold because
they’re the hottest I don’t feel like changing text with mspaint anymore.