RECAP 3.3 How Ugly Was it?

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Ugly Stats if you click on this image right there, yeah… right there… mmmmm

The 2016/17 Pittsburgh Penguins have done this before so if you’re on the ledge of a bridge and see your footprint from last series go ahead and take the leap, we don’t need you. Throughout the regular season the Penguins dropped games 5-1, 7-2, 6-1 and so on… and interestingly enough the teams that beat them by those scores were Washington, Columbus and the Rangers, 2 of which we were told the Penguins wouldn’t be able to beat in the playoffs. So you can cry, or whatever it is you do. Or you can realize that the playoffs are 7 game series and when a team is losing players like the FBI loses executives you’re going to have shitty games once in awhile. The Penguins remind me a lot of Led Zeppelin, which is strange I know, but when the team is good, they are really good. Like unexplainably locked in, sort of like “Kashmir”:

When they have an off game but still sort of resemble the parts that they are they are more like “The Crunge.” A team you won’t want to watch consistently but you know it is stuck in the middle between “Over the Hills and Far Away” and “Dancing Days” so you stick with it:

And then there is the Penguins team that tries to truck on after losing crucial parts but try to make due with what they have left. They are hardly recognizable, but they also don’t show up a lot.

So the Penguins lost a game in the playoffs in which they tried to play with 11 forwards and 7 defenders. Unless everyone is wrong it looked like it was game 3 in a best of 7 and it only resulted in the Senators being ahead by 1. “but but but they looked awfulllllll so it means more than one gameeee” no it doesn’t Jack, and while you’re at it just admit that 5.25″ is not 8″. The game was ugly, no doubt about it, but after being with GodofHockey23’s mom last night I can obviously say I’ve seen uglier things than that game. But in case you’re curious, how ugly was it??


This was ugly. How ugly was it?

It was about as ugly as the time the city of Ottawa accidentally sent thousands of citizens personal information to random Ontarians.

Earlier this year, health card renewal forms were sent out to Ottawa citizens. One side of the form being the mailing address and shit, but the other side of the paper had a different person’s health card/home address/birth date, etc on it.

Ottawa sent letters back saying “Sorry” and also requested the citizens to mail the free identity theft papers back to them. Justin Bieber used the incident as inspiration for his hit song SoRrY.


This was ugly. How ugly was it?

It was about as ugly as that time the city of Ottawa built a bunch of stupid sculptures based on the wrong guy.

There’s some old dead guy, his name was Jack Purcell. Jack seems kind of cool, though you can’t find any information on him. He walked around and picked up broken hockey sticks (assuringly broken in frustration due to watching the boring Senators) and taped them up and gave the frankenstein sticks to kids in need. He’s known as “the stick doctor”.

Some dope took the time to make these dumbass sculptures which went through who knows how many approval stages, which are based off of the badminton star, Jack Purcell. That’s right. They have nothing to do with this stick doctor guy, and not only were they designed, they were approved and implemented in their city. It looks like a graveyard where Microsoft Word’s unwanted Clippy went to die.


This was ugly. How ugly was it?

It was about as ugly as when no one was attending Senators games, just a few months ago.

It doesn’t take much research to see pictures of the low-attended Sens games. SensChirp can be proud to possibly have more commenters than the Senators have season-ticket holders.

Through 20 games, there has only been one full house (capacity: 18,572), and that’s when 20,011 turned out to see Daniel Alfredsson’s No. 11 raised to the rafters. (Interestingly, we saw a number of empty seats that night, too).

So out of 20 games the only one anyone went to was a game honoring someone getting the hell outta Ottawa.

This was ugly. How ugly was it?

About as ugly as the architecture in Ottawa.

If I’m to believe this blog post this is the walkway to get fans to Scotiabank Centre. I’d rather stroll into Bergen-Belsen than even look at this picture.

The image above the header?

That’s their fucking city center.

This was ugly. How ugly was it?

Chris Neil not only plays for them, but is an alternate captain.

He has scored a goal this year.

You can lose a game 1-0, you can lose a game 13-1, you can lose a game 20-1, the only part that doesn’t change is “a game.” One game. Ottawa most likely just scored their quota for the series. The only Penguin players that should be called out after this game are the ones with a skating Penguins on the front of their jersey. If you want to call out individuals in a lackluster team effort like that then you are wasting your precious life away. Much like the Capitals won the series when they won 5-2 in game 6 it was only a game.