RECAP 46: California Sleepin’

“The West is the best” said Mr. Mojo Risin once. The Penguins usually agree. They love travelling to the West Coast and have enjoyed lots of recent success over there. No reason to expect any different on this trip…

Coming off a lack-luster performance against a lack-luster Kings squad, as well as an entire day off to enjoy the wonders of California, the Penguins were looking to return to their winning ways. The Sharts were looking to maintain theirs. I was looking for more bourbon about 10 minutes in… Anyway, here we go!

Same lineup as last game, with Choad City as the fourth line. Weird how Cullen disappears when he’s surrounded by pseudo-NHLers, no? Suddenly he’s all old and stuff.

In othernews, “Jumbo Jerkface” played in his 1000th game as a Shart – wheee… shave the beard, ya friggin hippie – you’re a breeding ground for lice with that thing. And don’t get me started on Burns… that guy belongs under a bridge without pants holding a stick with a piece of bologna over a trash can fire ranting about how the ghost in his ass lets him talk to aliens. But I digress…

The game started and the Penguins already looked tired. The ice wasn’t completely tilted against them, but you could sense something was off. Kind of like when you walk into a room about 3 minutes after someone rips a sauerkraut and kielbasa fart…. it’s mostly gone, but you still have that uneasy feeling that you missed something big.

10 minutes in, the best all-star defenseman playing tonight made his presence known:

LETANG (11) from Dumoulin (13)


Errey called it ‘the best goal off a rush I’ve ever seen Letang score’ and he wasn’t lyin’. Just a beaut of an end-to-end rush, taking the ice available, backing up Mr. Norris Trophy Winner Snerdly Karrllssson and tossing a perfect backhander where mama keeps the cookies. And the non-teal cheers began…

They were short lived, though, because some dude named Sorensen scored like not even two minutes later. I know, right??? I totally didn’t see that coming. Hockey sometimes… I tell ya.

2 minutes after THAT, Yertle the Turtle reminded Petttteeerrrrsssson that he was crappy on the West coast. Maybe too far from Sweden or something? I dunno, but he got abused and fell down and then just… stood around waiting for something to happen. Mertle made it happen. More on him later, unfortunately…

At this point, you could see the Pens were out of sorts. Like the peyote was really starting to kick in or something. Luckily, the period ended with them only down 1.

With 30 seconds left of a Jake Guentzel penalty to kill, it seemed the Pens were primed to pull a patented Second Period Surge and get back into the game. Of course, I had found the bourbon by then, so it was likely Jack Daniels whispering in my ear that made me think that. Because just under 4 minutes in, Baloney Joe blew one by Murray who was screened by… *gets glasses* … Sidney Crosby? Yikes. That kind of night…

Other stuff happened in the 2nd period, but literally nothing worth writing about. So I drank bourbon instead. Y’all want a snort? No? Suit yourself…

The hole gets deeper…

Third period comebacks are neat, right? Pens do that sometimes. I mean anything is poss… what’s that? Hurdle the Turdle did what now? I’m confused… surely Murray Jeebus stopped… oh, so he didn’t? Huh. *burp*

Sullivan pulled Murray down 3-1 with … I dunno, buncha time left. Pens looked like a bunch of midgets trying to hump a doorknob until Brassard did a thing… but it was so pointless even the Pens PR didn’t bother to GIF it so you’ll just have to picture it. Let’s just say, it may well be the last goal Brazzers scores in a Penguins uniform. I put his over/under in games left at 4, cause GMJR has seen enough.

Toemoss the Turtle plopped in the empty netter and the Pens wasted no time packing for Arizona.


  • I stayed up for this game… on a Tuesday. Woof.
  • Jack Johnson isn’t very good at hockey.
  • Malkin has zero confidence right now and is hurting the team.
  • Holy crap we miss Horny… AND ZAR! The fourth line was a joke.
  • San Jose is pretty good, actually.