RECAP 82: We’ve Only Just Begun

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For starters I apologize that you now have The Carpenters in your head, please accept my apologies. Wow man, where do we begin? 82 games have come and gone, 50 wins, 21 losses and 11 anti-climatic shootouts. The rise of Conor Sheary and Jake Guentzel. The complete 180° turn of Justin Schultz. 44 goals by Sidney Crosby and an eleventh consecutive playoff berth under his captaincy, the most of any Penguins captain. I went back through the posts from the beginning of the season to see if I made any ridiculous predictions that didn’t come true but couldn’t find any. What I did find was some truly awful formatting and writing, not that this is going to win any literature awards but damn. How did we get this far? How did we convince you all to hang with us and grow? Must’ve been the porn. It had to have been the porn.

We have a few days off before the playoffs begin to allow everyone time to buy their hotdogs, get one last shave in, and say goodbye to family members. Our #hockeyporn Pornament will start tomorrow, so be sure to log in to make your vote for the first round one matchup, it’s going to be pornarific. See, I knew you kept coming back for the porn.

Before getting into this recap I would like everyone to thank Penguins Jesus for letting this team get to the playoffs almost healthy in this last week. With the exception of Hagelin it appears that the team may actually be able to ice the majority of the salary cap. You can literally thank him on Twitter @PenguinsJesus tell him sent you.

Alright, lets recap a meaningless game!

Before the game started the Penguins announced that they were resting players, allowing the team to ice a Kuhnhackl-Bonino-Kessel first line in the opening period. I’m not sure how but somehow the Penguins got the lead in this game just like they did the previous night in Toronto.

NICK BONINO (18) Assisted by SIMON & KESSEL (47) @ 9:16

I’m not sure there is another player you wanted to see such a great final month of the season from. Some will say Kessel, but unlike the real world the trickle down effect in hockey is legit, and when Bones is feeling it Kessel will have no choice but to relish in the playoffs.

The Penguins were up for a whole 4 minutes until the Rangers got the tying goal when Captain McDouche cashed in at 13:54. Then late in the period the Rangers received the only powerplay of the game, and it was Stepan burying it with 1:29 left on the clock.

Tristan Jarry looked pretty sharp in his NHL debut, including this save:

Hope you didn’t get too full of goalie drama this season because there is a good chance there is more to come next year.

So far the game has gone to plan, the Penguins haven’t lost anyone to injury yet. Olli Maatta was back and playing on a pairing with Derrick Pouliot which was most likely Sullivan giving George McPhee a showcase. Maatta didn’t look horrible in his return but that is mostly because I am trying to stay positive about him. 13 minutes into the lifeless period it was Rowdy Rowney distributing some free literature:

CARTER ROWNEY (3) Assisted by never mind unassisted @ 13:38

Since his initial call up Rowney has done everything the coaches have asked of him, and as a result he earned 27 games this season. Rowney also has a gritty side too so something tells me we will be seeing him in the Columbus series. As predicted neither team gave a shit about this game and the second period dwindled down to a 2-2 tie.

The last period of the regular season between two teams with nothing left to play for, should be exciting. The man that opted to sign with the Rangers of Pittsburgh (fool) scored 7 minutes into the period and that was the end of it. For the first time in my life I was praying the Penguins didn’t tie the game up late, nobody wanted overtime. I had a sneaky feeling that Tom Sestito was going to score late in the third to force overtime but turns out he is still just Tom Sestito.


  • Tristan Jarry was stellar in his debut, especially considering he had a 75% AHL team playing in front of him
  • Sidney Crosby wins his 2nd Rocket Richard trophy as the leagues leading goal scorer 7 years after winning his first one. The only other player to win the Richard 7 years apart was 66
  • The Penguins have rested some key guys including Schultz and Cole in this one, with Cole sitting out it means Phil Kessel was the only lazy bastard to play in all 82 games this season. Kessel has now played in 610 consecutive regular season games
  • In his 42 years as a broadcaster Mike Lange has missed 2 games. I wish there was some kind of petition we could start to try and get him back on tv for the final years of his career, what a legend. 2 games out of 3,340 regular season games and 326 playoff games, he has called 3,664/3,666 games… come on.
  • It’s playoff time


Reader Chill1495 came up with the idea of the blog participating in one of them there playoff bracket challenges. It seems like something fun to do and we’ve only had 6 failed contests so far this year so why the hell not!? Enter to play, all readers are invited, and the winner gets a prize. What’s the prize? The prize will be determined depending on how many people are registered by the time the playoffs start, so get to work.

How to join: well this is operated by the NHL website so there is a good chance this doesn’t work, but go to the link below and enter your name, credit card, and billing address plus set your password as your SSN. 

First, go here and set up your account (you don’t have to enter a real name cause chel gonna chel)

Then go here with your new account and join the league 

The password to the league is creatively: penshockeyblog

Some 'Norweeege' guy wins the Officer Krupke Award, snore...PIK-A-PORN

  • 3) "You got Sestito breathing down your backside when you go to the corner, you really gunna go in hard when you got him comin' in your backside? -- Errey (66%, 21 Votes)
  • 2) "Now he's back, he gets a little taste of it and to me, to every man, its very important for him to get a taste of it tonight." -- Caufield (31%, 10 Votes)
  • 4) "He shot it right into his belly pad." -- Steigy (3%, 1 Votes)
  • 1) "Kessel tries to put it through those long legs of Hellburg." -- Joe Michaeletti (0%, 0 Votes)
  • 5) "Gabner has gone dry." -- Steigy (0%, 0 Votes)
  • 6) "Rowney goes down pretty hard on his back." -- Steigy (0%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 32

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